iwasherefirst | 010 [Accidental Video]

[He has no doubt that he hasn't dodged the questions forever but this is a good start. Gives him time to work out how he's going to dodge them later.]

I saw it. Just now. Before I came in here. The process, the turn, the choice you gave her.

[She stiffens up a bit, swallowing hard because if he saw her memories the way she saw his. She goes a bit pale and definitely looks ashamed as she pulls away from him, tucking her knees up to her chest. After a moment her jaw sets and she lifts her chin a bit. She's definitely defensive.]

I had to. I knew once I found you, we'd make things better.

[He moves up to sit beside her on the bed now, unwilling to let her put that much distance between them, but giving her the space to close in on herself if she wants. He's turned toward her with one leg tucked underneath him and the other hanging off the side of the bed, resting on the floor.

He watches her carefully for a while before replying again, quietly.] You did. You didn't want to. You didn't want that choice to be made by anyone. You get so angry with me when I do it. [The Donna position, not the forcing the choice position.] Did you know it would work?

[She notices how he moves closer to avoid the distance between him and she appreciates it, even if she isn't showing it right now. There's a tiny crack in her strength as tears fill her eyes.]

Of course I didn't want to. If it didn't work, I wanted to keep the TARDIS as long as I could but it was gonna take everything...and I like Donna. I liked her the moment I met her. [She takes a deep breath, pushing her emotions back underneath her facade.] She deserved to know what the price was.

[There's a long pause because Rose could lie to him. She'd feel guilty about it forever but she could lie to him. She's not the nineteen year old he picked up in London anymore. She doesn't want to lie to him.] No. I hoped it would work. I knew sending her back would use--[She's struggling so hard with being honest with him but she feels a bit like a little kid telling her parents something she knows they're going to be disappointed over despite the fact she knows she'd do it again.] I knew sending Donna back would kill the TARDIS. I'd have enough juice to get back and make sure things were right and then...

[And she pauses again because she's not sure how he'll feel about this.]

I was there when you fought them. I made sure you got out--that Donna got you out. I didn't see you though. I left first because--[And she stops because she thinks it's fairly self explanatory why she left. She couldn't have stayed away if she'd seen him.]

[ooc: MORE headcanon because I think in the scene Donna goes back in it's pretty clear the TARDIS juice is gone, so I'm assuming she went through on Donna's coat tails, told her bad wolf and when Donna died proper the universe that had been created popped away, leaving Rose in Donna's proper universe and things at the time of Turn Left.]

[And he's very keenly aware right now of all those little showing insecurities and facades even amongst all the bravery and strength that isn't fronted at all but actually there almost constantly. There is an opportunity to inject a little help, possibly.] You're one up on me - first time I met Donna I got slapped twice in one day. [Comparatively speaking, they're all on quite good terms now.] She did. Most people do. Deserve that one chance to change their minds. Not a whole heap of fun to deny them the option, even if it is ultimately the better choice.

[It's not condemning. It's not condoning just yet either, but more commiserating than anything else. He understands that series of decisions and their mental ramifications very well, and at some point her having had to do that sort of thing will become another one of them, however much it really didn't have anything to do with him.

He doesn't, however, immediately know what she's talking about there. He's not aware of the entire alternate series of events, so the part where she left before she ran into him out of order makes sense, but not when she didn't do it.] Got out of where?

[ooc: I love your headcanon. So, so much.]

[Rose smiles a bit at the idea of Donna slapping him.] What'd you do? [She takes a deep breath and nods, listening to him. At least he's not condemning, she can take the commiserating. She even appreciates it really. She doesn't expect him to condone what she did but she's not seeking his approval. Not on this.

She doesn't think about it, doesn't occur to her that he doesn't know.] Racnoss defeating them.

Nothing! At that point I hadn't done anything! Well, I'd gotten a little excited about what was happening... I probably could have held the enthusiasm back a little bit better. [At some point there will be better conversations about this, but for the moment they seem to be at an easy enough agreement and he doesn't feel the need to push it much. Maybe later.

Oh. That time. He's going to go all quiet for a moment.] Thank you. For that. She did... stop me there.

[She's content with that at the moment. She bites her bottom lip and nods.] I'd hoped she would. If she hadn't...I would have mucked this universe up too.

[Because she would have saved him and she knows it wasn't time for her to show back up yet.]

You knew him when you were a child?

[Well that little diversionary tactic didn't so much divert as just delay the conversation for all of five, maybe ten minutes. He doesn't really put any distance between them, but he does lean back a little from where he'd been leaning towards her.

After a few seconds he just nods at first.] Yeah. Lifetimes ago.

[he should have known she'd get back to it eventually. She's too stubborn to let things go. When he leans back, she scoots closer, unfolding from herself and mirroring his pose. She moves close enough that her knee touches his and she reaches out to put her hands on his knee and his calf. She won't let him go through this alone anymore then he would let her go through hers alone.

Also, she expects that he'll eventually ask more questions about what he saw. Not that he has to but just that she doesn't think that part of the conversation is over.]

Did he--disagree with you leaving? [She knows it was running. She prefers not to call it that unless he does first.]

[He smiles a very faint, thin lipped smile for a moment.] No, no, he didn't. We ran, the both of us. Got into fights, annoyed our professors. Drank with the... Well, people everyone told us to stay away from. But I left him, when I left the planet, looking for something else. Anything else. Actually I guess I suppose he did disagree with my leaving, then, come to think of it. Huh.

[He considers that for a few long seconds and then comes back to reality.] But that was lifetimes ago, like I said. Before the war. I hadn't seen him in a very long time, and he was much less... the person he was, back then. And then he died. So I guess he won't get any worse than that. [He's looking down by now. No eye contact.]

[There really is nothing to say. She doesn't know enough to say anything and she doesn't want to pry when he looks like this. She slides closer, moving the leg on the bed so that it's on one side of him and curls around behind him. Her other leg goes over his on the floor and she wraps her arms around him in an embrace.]

M'sorry. They shouldn't have given me that one.

[He's not totally sure what to say right now either. It's not as though she went looking for things to dredge up, and judging by the way she was acting when he first ran into the room, she already knows everything about the situation except why it was happening or why he felt so strongly about it, and even that much she's sort of caught on to pretty quickly. He turns his head to look over at her.]

Not your fault. Don't know what they should have given that would have been better. Probably shouldn't have had yours either.

[Rose shakes her head slightly.] I woulda told you eventually. M'not proud of what I did but I'd do it again.

[She's just going to stay wrapped around him for the moment, unable to forget the memory and the way he felt in it.]

[He nods in reply, both because he knows she would have told him and because he agrees with her future course of action, even though now it's one that won't take place. He isn't sure that it was that he would have done in her place, but he can see that it's very nearly what he should have done in both her place and his own, and so there's not much he can disagree with on the whole.

He appreciates the wrapped-around-him, even though when she first did it he remained quite stiff. At this point, he's definitely relaxing into it, finally taking peace from it, and possibly a few seconds later, leans back on her bed and pulls her with him so their in relatively the same position, just reclining.

It does take a few seconds even after this for him to audibly reply though, and when he does, it's quietly.]

I'm glad you did though.

[She smiles a bit when he pulls her down with him and then relaxes against him. His words make her nod and she pulls him a bit closer.]

Me too. [And her next words are a direct result of what she saw in his memory.] If you ever get lost again, I'll do it all over again too. [Usually she phrases it so that she's the one that was lost but it's clear from his memory that she wasn't the only one that was lost while they were apart.]

I'll be sure to get a really good map; I'm not sure the universe can take all that impossibility-cracking again. [There was definitely a mutually-lost thing going on at the time. On the one hand her knowing the depth of it is uncomfortably exposing, and on an entirely more selfish hand it's sort of nice knowing someone else understands exactly how that felt.

And he's just now realised that he's actually in her room. On the bed, even. He lifts his head up for a couple of seconds to glance around.] I don't think I've been in here yet except to get one of the rabbits.

Tattoo it on your arm[She's only half joking. If she could have a micro chip put in so the TARDIS could always find her, she would. Not that she was literally lost last time. He knew where she was. He just couldn't get to her because of the whole destroying two universes bit, which she didn't object to but for some reason, he did.

She lifts her head up a bit as well and glances around.] Bit pink but not too bad. [A very conscious decision on her part. She didn't want it so pink and so overwhelmingly girl that he wasn't comfortable within ten yards of it. The feather and velvet and sequined costume is probably on a wire frame in the corner. No mannequins or even plastic dress forms for Rose Tyler]

[He lets out a snort of amusement.] And mar this perfect skin? Well, relatively. It wouldn't stick to the next regeneration anyway. I'm not all that sure I can pull off that tattooed look, even if it is just a map on my arm. You, on the other hand. Gonna pin you so I can locate you anywhere. New standards for 'jeopardy friendly', that's you.

[He finishes his glancing with a bit of a nod and lets his head fall back and bounce a little before settling back on the bed.] Firm mattress. Not too bad though. Bit like what your TARDIS room looked like. Which was a bit like what your room at your mum's looked like. I think you may have a 'style'. [He's sort of poking fun but really he likes that she knows what she likes and surrounds herself with it. It's grounding.]

[She grins a bit] S'pose if that's what it takes to keep track of me. [She hates to sober a moment that's turning up but she feels like it needs to be said. The words are whispered, a bit pleading but also with a bit of backbone behind them.] You won't ever do that to me, yeah? Choose not to regenerate. I can get used to a new face. Can't get used to no you. Tried. Didn't take.

[She presses a kiss to his jaw in an effort to soften the words and keep the moment close at least.] Think I might. Pink and fuzzy bits of things. Firm mattresses too apparently.

[He doesn't know what she's talking about until she continues on, and he does sober fairly quickly when he understands what she's asking. In as far as he can tell, he wouldn't even be able to. Choose not to regenerate when Rose is gone? Sure. Apparently he had already in that one parallel world. (Because really, he doesn't know how he wouldn't have been able to get out of there.) Not grasp any possible chance at spending time with Rose? Impossible. At least to him now.] I won't. [Quietly.] We have a... It's different. I wouldn't do that to you; hurt you like that.

[It softens it a bit but the mood definitely just switched again. He attempts to follow her back to the levity.] All pink and yellow and peachy-fuzz with oddly firm mattresses. Very Rose of you.

[She honestly didn't mean to ruin the mood but she wanted to be clear about it. That's absolutely not allowed. As far as not regenerating without her, she wouldn't approve of that either but the thought that he wouldn't hasn't occurred to her. She assumes Racnoss was a mistake rather than a plan. She still can't grasp that he needs her that much. In response to his promise, she wraps her arms tighter around him and kisses him, making sure to let gratitude, relief and love bleed through so that he feels them. She breaks the kiss after a moment.]

M'not sure I could do not Rose of me being so very Rose and all naturally.

[It was really a kind of resignation and taking an opportunity when it arose than anything. If it hadn't been there, then, it would have just been whatever the next thing was, although of course he was saying at the time that he needed to stay and make sure things went according to plan. If he hadn't had to get Donna out - which is what it was at the time: saving Donna, not the other way around - then yes, very likely a captainly sort of going down with the ship.

But he assumed she got that from travelling, since there must have been other worlds where she wasn't there, or hadn't met his Ninth self, or he didn't return the second time, or whathaveyou, that were in similar states. If she doesn't realise it yet, he's absolutely not going to tell her. It's a little terrifying being that reliant on someone else, and doesn't seem fair to put that burden on them anyway. Especially if you love them so much.

But yes. He's going to get somewhat addicted to this constantly being shown emotions thing at this rate. It's an insane amount of reassurance, and he's ridiculously grateful for her. He can't show her as directly but hopefully it's showing in the look he's giving her.]

It might be very difficult. All those human instincts and whatnot. Probably easier and better in the long run to just go with the rosiness. [Thought.] Do you actually like roses? [He's got the feeling this is something she might have said before but at the moment he doesn't remember.]

[In some ways, she understands. If she'd ever considered for a moment that she wouldn't find a way back to him, she might have done the same thing.

And she does get that from the other worlds. The world where she hadn't been born had been very hard on her. After that, she'd avoided herself when possible. She had caught a glimpse of herself working in another department store looking exhausted and utterly resigned with life. She assumed it was a dimension in which she'd never met him or he hadn't come back a second time. She'd ached so bad with wanting to see him after that, wanting to make sure that he was real, that she had met him. She'd held on so tightly to her TARDIS key that day that it's worn ridges into her skin she wasn't sure would ever disappear.

She still wears the key on a chain under all of her clothes. It's a tailsman as much as anything and it makes her feel safe and secure.

It's the best possible use of the ability as far as she's concerned. She does see that gratitude in his face and she leans forward to kiss the bridge of his nose lightly.] Are you tellin' me to use more pink, Doctor? [She teases him about it and then shrugs. In a round about way she's said it before but she doesn't mind talking about it again.] They're pretty in a formal sorta way. Rather have daisies or wildflowers...that sorta thing. Roses seem like an apology, sorta tryin' to suck up, y'know?

[On one hand he feels like that's absolutely right, and why would anyone ever not wear a TARDIS key, and on another knowing that she still did it even being trapped in a universe where it didn't mean anything is all kinds of gloriously wrong and beautiful.]

I haven't got a problem with pink. I don't want you decorating my room with it, but you use all the pink you want. I can totally handle pink. [And teasing. He listens to the flower bit and sort of looks at the ceiling to consider it before nodding a couple of times.] I hadn't really thought about it. For some reason I don't get a lot of flowers. I can see that though, yeah. Kind of get tossed around a lot, don't they? Weddings, funerals. Too versatile. Or I guess not versatile enough, actually.

BEAUTIFUL HEADCANON. Also sorry he's a dick.

Thank you! She expects it from him.

Is that a... good thing?

yup! She knows he can be that way about things & loves him anyway (so cheesy)

double standards for everyone!

At least he's consistent

yay?

Totally yay. She'll have her moments

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

he decided to just... run away with all his feelings on this reply, idk

That is always encouraged, especially with him. And she went insane too. Also more headcanon

headcanon is the bestcanon, especially in a show where there's nearly nocanon.