iwasherefirst | 010 [Accidental Video]

[He's a little thrown back by the force of the hug, mostly physically since he was kneeling and she just lunged at him from the top of the bed. But he balances, and hugs her back just as tight. Bits of his own vision are starting to come back as well.]

...What? Rose, I'm not in any pain.

[If she knew he'd had his own vision (memory of hers) she'd be a bit more distant right now, almost ashamed but defiant at the same time. Instead she just clings tightly to him but it's not in any sort of desperate way. She's hugging him for his sake, not hers.]

No. You were. After me, I think. Martha was there and he died. I don't know who he was but he died.

[He gradually relaxes from the hug a little so he can look up at her properly, since what she's saying really doesn't make a whole lot of sense and whatever context clues he can find in her expression would be super helpful right about now. He'll probably tell her about his own once he realises this has been a mutual thing somehow, but for the moment he isn't immediately connecting them.]

Martha was where? Who died? [Because those variables sadly don't actually narrow a lot down. Well, they narrow it enough for an inkling. But that would be weird.]

[Her hands go to her hair and rakes them half through it, trying to put what she remembers in order. It's harder than it seems, particularly with all of the Doctor's emotions that came attached to the memory.]

I don't know. He was wearing a suit and he got shot by a woman in red. I think--I think he was another Time Lord...but I remembered it wrong. You're the only Time Lord left.

[Well that's going to make him stiffen for a moment. She just gets a very quiet] What. [at first.]

That was a while ago. It's all fine now.

[She pulls back just enough to look at him, her hands sliding to cup his face a bit.]

Who was he?

[There is honestly no small amount of hesitancy before he replies.] I used to know him.

[And then because he can't not possibly divert the conversation if at all awkward or focused on him, even if it is ridiculously obvious or to the point.] How did you fix the parallel world? The one around Donna.

[She wants to ask more questions and she probably will eventually but right now the amount of pain the Doctor was in in the memory is curtailing the questions. She doesn't want to cause him anymore pain. She sort of mumbles an apology, the sort of 'I'm sorry for your loss' kind of thing. She'll get to her questions eventually. For the moment his diversion works. She gives him a sort of furrowed brow and there's a hint of guilt about her expression when she shakes her head.]

We used the TARDIS as a power source and a navigation, ran the power through a circuit. She was trying to find you, tellin' us sort of the coordinates. Those got put into a computer, the computer told the circuit where to send...when Donna showed up, it used her to find where she needed to go to change her own mind, her decision so that it lead to you. Why?

[He has no doubt that he hasn't dodged the questions forever but this is a good start. Gives him time to work out how he's going to dodge them later.]

I saw it. Just now. Before I came in here. The process, the turn, the choice you gave her.

[She stiffens up a bit, swallowing hard because if he saw her memories the way she saw his. She goes a bit pale and definitely looks ashamed as she pulls away from him, tucking her knees up to her chest. After a moment her jaw sets and she lifts her chin a bit. She's definitely defensive.]

I had to. I knew once I found you, we'd make things better.

[He moves up to sit beside her on the bed now, unwilling to let her put that much distance between them, but giving her the space to close in on herself if she wants. He's turned toward her with one leg tucked underneath him and the other hanging off the side of the bed, resting on the floor.

He watches her carefully for a while before replying again, quietly.] You did. You didn't want to. You didn't want that choice to be made by anyone. You get so angry with me when I do it. [The Donna position, not the forcing the choice position.] Did you know it would work?

[She notices how he moves closer to avoid the distance between him and she appreciates it, even if she isn't showing it right now. There's a tiny crack in her strength as tears fill her eyes.]

Of course I didn't want to. If it didn't work, I wanted to keep the TARDIS as long as I could but it was gonna take everything...and I like Donna. I liked her the moment I met her. [She takes a deep breath, pushing her emotions back underneath her facade.] She deserved to know what the price was.

[There's a long pause because Rose could lie to him. She'd feel guilty about it forever but she could lie to him. She's not the nineteen year old he picked up in London anymore. She doesn't want to lie to him.] No. I hoped it would work. I knew sending her back would use--[She's struggling so hard with being honest with him but she feels a bit like a little kid telling her parents something she knows they're going to be disappointed over despite the fact she knows she'd do it again.] I knew sending Donna back would kill the TARDIS. I'd have enough juice to get back and make sure things were right and then...

[And she pauses again because she's not sure how he'll feel about this.]

I was there when you fought them. I made sure you got out--that Donna got you out. I didn't see you though. I left first because--[And she stops because she thinks it's fairly self explanatory why she left. She couldn't have stayed away if she'd seen him.]

[ooc: MORE headcanon because I think in the scene Donna goes back in it's pretty clear the TARDIS juice is gone, so I'm assuming she went through on Donna's coat tails, told her bad wolf and when Donna died proper the universe that had been created popped away, leaving Rose in Donna's proper universe and things at the time of Turn Left.]

[And he's very keenly aware right now of all those little showing insecurities and facades even amongst all the bravery and strength that isn't fronted at all but actually there almost constantly. There is an opportunity to inject a little help, possibly.] You're one up on me - first time I met Donna I got slapped twice in one day. [Comparatively speaking, they're all on quite good terms now.] She did. Most people do. Deserve that one chance to change their minds. Not a whole heap of fun to deny them the option, even if it is ultimately the better choice.

[It's not condemning. It's not condoning just yet either, but more commiserating than anything else. He understands that series of decisions and their mental ramifications very well, and at some point her having had to do that sort of thing will become another one of them, however much it really didn't have anything to do with him.

He doesn't, however, immediately know what she's talking about there. He's not aware of the entire alternate series of events, so the part where she left before she ran into him out of order makes sense, but not when she didn't do it.] Got out of where?

[ooc: I love your headcanon. So, so much.]

[Rose smiles a bit at the idea of Donna slapping him.] What'd you do? [She takes a deep breath and nods, listening to him. At least he's not condemning, she can take the commiserating. She even appreciates it really. She doesn't expect him to condone what she did but she's not seeking his approval. Not on this.

She doesn't think about it, doesn't occur to her that he doesn't know.] Racnoss defeating them.

Nothing! At that point I hadn't done anything! Well, I'd gotten a little excited about what was happening... I probably could have held the enthusiasm back a little bit better. [At some point there will be better conversations about this, but for the moment they seem to be at an easy enough agreement and he doesn't feel the need to push it much. Maybe later.

Oh. That time. He's going to go all quiet for a moment.] Thank you. For that. She did... stop me there.

[She's content with that at the moment. She bites her bottom lip and nods.] I'd hoped she would. If she hadn't...I would have mucked this universe up too.

[Because she would have saved him and she knows it wasn't time for her to show back up yet.]

You knew him when you were a child?

[Well that little diversionary tactic didn't so much divert as just delay the conversation for all of five, maybe ten minutes. He doesn't really put any distance between them, but he does lean back a little from where he'd been leaning towards her.

After a few seconds he just nods at first.] Yeah. Lifetimes ago.

[he should have known she'd get back to it eventually. She's too stubborn to let things go. When he leans back, she scoots closer, unfolding from herself and mirroring his pose. She moves close enough that her knee touches his and she reaches out to put her hands on his knee and his calf. She won't let him go through this alone anymore then he would let her go through hers alone.

Also, she expects that he'll eventually ask more questions about what he saw. Not that he has to but just that she doesn't think that part of the conversation is over.]

Did he--disagree with you leaving? [She knows it was running. She prefers not to call it that unless he does first.]

[He smiles a very faint, thin lipped smile for a moment.] No, no, he didn't. We ran, the both of us. Got into fights, annoyed our professors. Drank with the... Well, people everyone told us to stay away from. But I left him, when I left the planet, looking for something else. Anything else. Actually I guess I suppose he did disagree with my leaving, then, come to think of it. Huh.

[He considers that for a few long seconds and then comes back to reality.] But that was lifetimes ago, like I said. Before the war. I hadn't seen him in a very long time, and he was much less... the person he was, back then. And then he died. So I guess he won't get any worse than that. [He's looking down by now. No eye contact.]

[There really is nothing to say. She doesn't know enough to say anything and she doesn't want to pry when he looks like this. She slides closer, moving the leg on the bed so that it's on one side of him and curls around behind him. Her other leg goes over his on the floor and she wraps her arms around him in an embrace.]

M'sorry. They shouldn't have given me that one.

[He's not totally sure what to say right now either. It's not as though she went looking for things to dredge up, and judging by the way she was acting when he first ran into the room, she already knows everything about the situation except why it was happening or why he felt so strongly about it, and even that much she's sort of caught on to pretty quickly. He turns his head to look over at her.]

Not your fault. Don't know what they should have given that would have been better. Probably shouldn't have had yours either.

[Rose shakes her head slightly.] I woulda told you eventually. M'not proud of what I did but I'd do it again.

[She's just going to stay wrapped around him for the moment, unable to forget the memory and the way he felt in it.]

[He nods in reply, both because he knows she would have told him and because he agrees with her future course of action, even though now it's one that won't take place. He isn't sure that it was that he would have done in her place, but he can see that it's very nearly what he should have done in both her place and his own, and so there's not much he can disagree with on the whole.

He appreciates the wrapped-around-him, even though when she first did it he remained quite stiff. At this point, he's definitely relaxing into it, finally taking peace from it, and possibly a few seconds later, leans back on her bed and pulls her with him so their in relatively the same position, just reclining.

It does take a few seconds even after this for him to audibly reply though, and when he does, it's quietly.]

I'm glad you did though.

[She smiles a bit when he pulls her down with him and then relaxes against him. His words make her nod and she pulls him a bit closer.]

Me too. [And her next words are a direct result of what she saw in his memory.] If you ever get lost again, I'll do it all over again too. [Usually she phrases it so that she's the one that was lost but it's clear from his memory that she wasn't the only one that was lost while they were apart.]

I'll be sure to get a really good map; I'm not sure the universe can take all that impossibility-cracking again. [There was definitely a mutually-lost thing going on at the time. On the one hand her knowing the depth of it is uncomfortably exposing, and on an entirely more selfish hand it's sort of nice knowing someone else understands exactly how that felt.

And he's just now realised that he's actually in her room. On the bed, even. He lifts his head up for a couple of seconds to glance around.] I don't think I've been in here yet except to get one of the rabbits.

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SO MUCH HEADCANON ON HOW THIS WORKED

BEAUTIFUL HEADCANON. Also sorry he's a dick.

Thank you! She expects it from him.

Is that a... good thing?

yup! She knows he can be that way about things & loves him anyway (so cheesy)

double standards for everyone!

At least he's consistent

yay?

Totally yay. She'll have her moments

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