iwasherefirst | 008 |Accidental Video|

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008 |Accidental Video|

[The device flickers on to show the bathroom. There's a bathtub full of bubbles, a half glass of wine sitting on the edge of the tub and lit candles are scattered about. However, there's no sign of anyone in the bathroom or the tub. From the way the candles are guttering it's clear that they've been lit for a while. ]

DOC--[Rose's appearance is fairly sudden and she's clearly not in any stage of taking a bath. She's wearing a pair of black pants, a dark pink tee shirt and a purple leather jacket. She looks confused and a bit distraught.]ter

[She starts his name out almost a yell, like she's trying to be heard over something and finishes it up as a whisper. She bends over and blows out the candles then grabs her device, shoves it in her pocket--not realizing it's still on-- and throws open the bathroom door. That would be fury all over her face. She's angry about something.]

Doctor! [And it's pretty clear from the way she says his name as she storms into the living room looking for the Doctor that her anger is directed toward him.]

[ooc: This is a canon update. Rose was only gone for about a half an hour. Rose is now caught up to the very end of 'Journey's End'. Video or audio replies will be forth coming. Some of them after the fight she has with the Doctor.]

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[Normally Rose calling him makes him feel quite happy. Right now it somehow doesn't. He was actually in his room but he pokes his head out the door for a moment and then carefully comes around the corner into the room.]

You... called me?

[Oh good. He's here. She can go straight to lighting right into him. She whirls on her heel, storming at him now, finger pointed and preparing to jab him in the chest to punctuate all of the excellent points she's about to bring up.]

Do you have any idea how bloody difficult it was to get back to you? Do you know how many dimensions I ripped through? How many times I did that? Do you know how many wanker UNIT guys I tore into? How many hours I stayed up, just the TARDIS and me, strugglin' to figure out how to find you? I spent months without anybody knowin' my name because I was afraid of doin' more damage. I sent Donna into another dimension knowin' she was goin' to die and bein' all right with lettin' her die if it meant I could get back to you. I like Donna. I bleedin' adore her even.

[Lucky for the Doctor, she has to stop and breathe.]

[He takes a couple of steps back when she starts rushing at him with that finger ready. He's obviously seen Rose angry, and even occasionally with him, but this is quite a new level.

He absolutely makes use of her needing a breath to try and defend himself. Which would be much easier if he could actually think of a rebuttal.]

Rose! It was necessary! If you know what happened you know why I did it. And we're both here now anyway!

No! You can't do that. You don't have the right to do that. I had a life planned out with you. Not a guy who looks like you but can't ever be you. You never asked if I wanted to clean up the mess you'd made. I did that once with your other regeneration. [And she adores the ninth him, loves him even] You were my...I made a difference and I got to see that difference in you everyday.

[She takes a moment to take a quick breath and it's just long enough for the anger to draw back a bit and expose all the hurt that's really under there.]

You replaced me and then you tried to make that all right 'cause you thought you could replace you too.

[Oh, that makes him go all quiet for a good number of moments.]

I didn't replace you. I couldn't replace you even if I'd been working on it. We felt exactly the same way about you, he was just a couple years behind and without the aging problem. And he could actually tell you.

Exactly! [She yells that at him as if it's a revelation that he should understand completely.]

He could say he loved me! He would get old with me! He only had one heart! He wasn't you. Don't you think that would make a difference?

[And then she's quiet a moment.]

And he doesn't kiss like you. He doesn't taste like you or feel like you. I'd be pretendin' and not very good at that.

I thought it would be better!

[Said just shy of having raised his voice in return. The rest is more normal.]

I can't help that part. Honestly, I thought it was what the right thing to do.

Next time, wait around two seconds and ask me! Let me decide what's better for me! I know I'm not some Time Lord that can see the whole of time and everything that could, would or might be but I'm not thick! I know who I want to spend my life with.

[She just stares at him, tears filling her eyes as she lets his words sink in.]

So when we go back...all of this [She gestures between them] That's better. I get him and you...[collect more companions. She bites those words off. She doesn't want to say them out loud because she knows how much he needs someone human with him. She just wants it to always be her.]

That's not what I meant. You would have had to leave one of us either way - this way seemed... I don't know. Eventually you'd have been happier, I thought. And wouldn't have had to choose.

[He can tell where that's going anyway.] There wasn't anyone after that. Just me. And then here, after.

Just for the record, you're wrong. I don't know what you do with him...take him with us? Let Mum help out. Find me that doesn't know there's a difference between you and him. I helped you before us. I could help him out too. Did you even care that you were leavin' me. After everything I'd done? Did you really think I did it to save the Universe? Do you remember what I told you on that beach when you told me it'd rip the Universe apart to be there with me? Did you think I was bein' a stupid human who had no idea what she was sayin'? [Those are a lot of questions. She realizes this and she does know there's no perfect solution to deal with metacrisis!Doctor. She just doesn't want to be left behind.]

Answer me, Doctor. When we go home. When we get out of this City, are you goin' to leave me with him again. [Her words are very tight, measured and controlled. It's the only way she's going to be able to cope.]

Of course I cared! I didn't want to do it, I just didn't see another option. It wasn't like he just happened to be some convenient way to drop you somewhere I could never get back to you again - I didn't want any of you to leave at all. You, him, even Jackie could have stayed forever if I'd thought the universe could have handled it, but it was already bursting as it was.

Not if I can help it. [Oh that didn't sound quite right. He's just not sure whether now is really the greatest time to tell her he was dying when he got here.] I'm not leaving you a third time if that's what you mean.

So we fix it! If the Universe is burstin' already then we fix it. That's what we do, innit? We don't--[She stops, biting the side of her cheek hard, trying to focus and avoid becoming a mess of tears. Crying is never a neat affair for Rose.] Don't leave the people we care about.

[She covers her mouth with her hand, taking deep breaths. Regenerating again she can deal with. She met the next regeneration of him during visitors weekend. Not exactly her type but still him.] Are you sure? I can't do that again. I won't do that again, Doctor.

[He really can't argue with her there; everything she just said was perfectly true, even if what he did technically was fixing it. Not for either of them though, clearly. He swallows hard and nods a bit.]

No, I'm not. I can tell you I won't willingly do it, but I can't guarantee it won't. The universe will have one very angry Doctor to deal with. Might actually destroy it myself. [If the Time Lord Triumphant was anything to go by.]

[She loses a bit of a battle with the tears and it takes her a moment to get control of them. She takes a step back away from him.]

Just come get me before you do, yeah? [Her voice cracks a little when she says it. She still feels betrayed and hurt and like everything they did here has fallen apart despite the fact that she knows he left her on that beach before the City, for him. She feels like she's going to be put right back in this position again and she can't do that.]

Edited 2011-10-19 02:49 (UTC)

I'm not going to do it again on purpose, Rose - if I have the chance to get you then I'm not letting you go. [He honestly meant he wasn't sure because the first time he lost her it was an accident. Technically. He wants to close the distance she just put between them but at the same time isn't sure if she won't just put more there if he does.]

I didn't... Know, then, what I know now. There was still some measure of faith. In something else, I dunno. There's just the one thing now, hasn't let me down. But when we get back, if I'm alive, I'm not leaving you.

[Honestly, she's not sure what she'd do either if he closed the distance between them. He sounds upset, looks upset and that is hard for her to handle. There's some instinct in her that wants to fix it when he's upset. She doesn't know if she can fix this because she's terrified he's pushing her away.]

And if you regenerate?

Didn't change how I felt about you the last time. Don't suspect it will now. [He should have worded that better; it's still just a subject he's mildly preoccupied with, the regenerating. He really doesn't know what to do with her crying either. He's not used to so directly being the reason for it.]

[His wording isn't necessarily the problem. She's picking apart everything he's saying, looking for loopholes and escape hatches. This isn't something she's willing to leave to chance. She spends several moments, biting down on her bottom lip, trembling and trying so hard not to fall apart. She's stronger than this, except when it comes to watching him leave.]

I'd rather just stay here. [Her voice is quiet and a bit defeated sounding. She knows she shouldn't feel that way. She should miss everything. She should hate being held here and subjected to curses. She should hate all of it and yet...]

[She should hate it, yeah, and he should as well, having done so poorly with forced settlement before, but at the same time he definitely understands what she's talking about. All things considered, it's not really that bad a place to be. And she's trembling and crying and he really wants to hug her but there's still uncertainty for several reasons, so mostly he keeps moving his hands - pockets, arms crossed, scratching his face, repeat.]

I don't altogether see much reason to leave, myself. More reason not to than anything.

[In contrast she's got her arms wrapped up tight around her waist. She notices the fidgeting though.] This is not okay.

[Just so he knows that she'd like for him to repeat over and over and over that he won't leave her. She'd like for him say 'Come along, Rose. Get in the TARDIS' a hundred times. She wants proof that only time, the Doctor and a very particular beach in Norway can provide. She knows that none of those things are practical and some of them aren't even possible at the moment. Instead, she'll take what she can have: him knowing that this isn't okay ~~yet~~ and his arms around her, if he'll have it. He ought to have warning though so that he can take the option to leave if he'd prefer.]

If I hug you, I'm goin' to be a mess.

[It's by sheer force of will and focus that she's holding it together at all. She knows crying women aren't really his thing. It might also be a bit of a test, although it's an unconscious test. She doesn't mean to issue it. It's also permission for him to close the distance between them and hug her, if he'd like. That part though, isn't really a test. She'll hug him just as easily if given permission to be a mess and sob all over his jacket.]

[Well, he wasn't really expecting it to resolve that easily, but he was still sort of hoping for it. He'll just have to figure out a way to fix it as he goes along. Donna was annoyed when he didn't tell her to begin with; she'll probably be more annoyed if he doesn't solicit help now. Although, he's... not totally sure he wants help. At all. Given that his best idea off the top of his head is post-it notes everywhere saying he's not leaving and following her to work, he'll probably need it regardless. He does nod to indicate acknowledgement that things still need to be fixed though.

He's not good with crying no matter who's doing it. For someone ostensibly so expressive, any great showing of emotion tends to be somewhat repelling. He doesn't hesitate a second after she finishes talking though, taking one big step forward and all-but-crushing her to him. He's got other jackets.]

[Post-it notes and following her to work, aren't bad ideas. She honestly doesn't know what "fixes" this. There's not a formula that goes a+b+c=Rose isn't worried about him leaving anymore. The acknowledgement is good.

The hug is an even better place to start fixing things and as predicted, she turns into a wreck the moment his arms are around her. She buries her face in his chest, arms going around his waist. The sound of his hearts beating makes the crying worse. One heartbeat will always, forever, sound too quiet to her.]

[People would be so much easier if they had mathematical equations like that. Also probably a lot more boring. He would have just kept throwing happy numbers at her if that were the case. Alas.

She said she was going to do it but it still feels weird when she starts crying in earnest as soon as he has her in his arms. It seems like that ought to have been the other way around, even if he doesn't care about her getting his jacket all wet. But, more important, she's here and letting him hold her and he's here and he's not going to let go or ever leave her anywhere. He kisses the top of her head since she's got her face in his chest, and after a couple minutes not knowing what else to do, quietly says:] I know it's not okay, but I'm not leaving. Promise. That I can do. I won't ever leave you somewhere. I l-... I'll figure out other ways, but 'The Doctor and Rose' isn't changing again anytime soon.

[Infinitely more boring.

It's more of a fighting so hard not to fall apart and that being the straw that breaks the camel's back so to speak. Kissing the top of her head and promising not to leave both help. And really she's only crying that hard for a little while. He is here and she's here. That doesn't make it okay but it does mean that the crying isn't nearly as desperate. It's on the tip of her tongue to make him promise again but that's just repetitive for the sake of repetition so instead she nods, takes a deep breath and attempts to be less of a mess. She looks up at him, a very weak smile on her face.] Okay. The Doctor proper, yeah? Not human you.

[Sorry, some repetition is just necessary at the moment and there's still more of that checking his words, looking for loopholes and escape hatches. Rose is very aware, the Doctor lies or at least twists the truth. She wants it all untwisted for her or at least she wants to know the twists.]

[Really, he'll say just about whatever it takes to assure her that he really, honestly, can't leave her again. He doesn't have it within him to be able to, and he's learned to be selfish enough to not bother with the rest of the universe when he doesn't feel like it. The weak smile gives him a bit of hope, and he quirks one side of his mouth into a slight smile.] Yeah, me. This one, not the... knock-off? [Secretly both versions of him think they are probably better for whatever reasons they want or something. But he's the original anyway.]

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